It’s Ok to Be Single.

I have to remind myself of this tiny fact regularly. Even though I’m still considered young, at my age it feels worse. Most of my friends are shacked up, and it looks so easy for them. I know that’s BS.  It’s still hard to see though.

I was brainwashed at a very young age from Disney movies, and well, every other movie, tv shows, school, and even real people around me to think in this certain way. The common thought is that we have to meet our “parrot” and live happily ever after. What they didn’t tell us throughout life is that relationships are fucking hard. They are a full time job. If you don’t connect with someone with actual parrot potential, then it’s perfectly acceptable be single.

The problem is that being single has a negative connotation. We’re considered “alone” and often times, feel alone for this very reason. We’re made to believe that being alone is bad, and then if we feel lonely something is wrong with us. Single women are often pitied, and as a woman, there are pressures put on us by family and others to meet someone and have children.

Um, it’s 2016 why am I still getting pressured to procreate by my family? Many of them are liberal progressive ex-hippies that should get that life can be colored outside of the lines. My conservative side of the family makes a bit more sense, but still, chill.  When asked at family gatherings if I have a boyfriend, and I say “no”, or I haven’t found someone worthy and deserving, the family member essentially short circuits and lets out one of the many regurgitated responses they feel will be helpful in that moment like “awww, well it’s not easy”. All the while I know from their facial expression and body language that they’re starting to wonder if I will ever meet someone, and feel genuinely sorry for me that I don’t get to experience that “ultimate marriage bliss” nor “the miracle of having a baby which will change my life”. I mean that’s why I was put on this earth right? To build an army of little Sonya’s. That could have it’s benefits, but if that’s my sole purpose, than why the F was I also encouraged to go to college, work the grind, supported in starting my own business, and the like?

I could be the rebel I was born to be and flip the bird to societal pressures and family & friend pity. But the problem is that all this talk about how it’s bad to be single has really got me down. I’ve settled for the worst of them so that I have someone. I’ve made up justifications in my head and recited them aloud to convince myself that they are bettering my life in some way, albeit dysfunctional. I’ve fought for relationships to work when my gut was screaming that they were all wrong for me. When I’ve thought about breaking it off with these dudes, I felt a deep pit of sadness in my stomach.

As I preach to others, I’m supposed to face my shit, let myself feel, and understand why I feel sad. Well, why the fuck do you think? Perhaps because some of those same people — people who I deeply love and highly respect —  are telling me I could do better (over and over), and yet making me feel the worst about being single. I know they’ve convinced themselves that they are doing their best to be supportive of my “challenging situation” and what “I have to deal with”. They’ve said things like, “I’m so sorry Sonya, you deserve a man to adore you, I’m sorry it’s been so hard for you to find.” These supportive words have turned into stories and I’ve found myself dragging them with me. I’m fully conscious to the fact that this is a personal choice of mine to do, but I find it’s hard to detach from their words regardless.

Instead of focusing on being happy and single — which is apparently an oxymoron — I have resorted to focusing on the fact that I’d rather be single than miserable.

The comedic part of all of this, is that I have dated many wonderful guys. I had a solid five-year relationship in college where there was mutual adoration. But said people above told me that I could do better. Well, perhaps they were right as we grew in separate directions, but sometimes I wonder if they would ever just feel content in my decisions? There will be something wrong with everyone, and that’s ok. I’m not perfect either.

My friends in these relationships magical in appearance on Facebook, have opened up to me to confess that it also isn’t easy. They had to overcome major obstacles to get to where they are now, and it’s still not easy. It takes work, commitment, and immense love and respect for the other.

***********************

I just ripped the figurative bandaid off this morning on a relationship that wasn’t serving me. Yes, it was liberating. Yes, it was jarring. Yes, I will wonder if it was right, all the while deeply knowing it was totally right. Yes, I will wonder if they are thinking the same thing or if they care or if they feel sad. Yes, I know that it doesn’t matter. Yes, I know that it’s done, and that is a really good thing.

Bottom line, if someone isn’t making you feel loved in some healthy fulfilling capacity and treating you with respect, it’s not worth your time. If you ultimately want a parrot, and are sick of dating Peter Pans, it’s ok to leave. It’s ok to be single. People are going to project their beliefs or hopes onto you, but at the end of the day, it’s not up to them.

Today I’m practicing self-love. I’m appreciating the lessons this one has provided me. I’m grateful for my gut that was clearly telling me it was wrong, following my gut finally, and the simple liberation of being single – not alone.

 

 

Advertisements

The Commitment-Phobe: Run

They are way too easy to find.

I’ve noticed I have this trend of attracting commitment-phobes. It keeps happening over and over, to the point that I’m starting to wonder if I need professional help. I’ve also pondered what it is about me that puts out the vibe that this dude is my type. To be clear, they aren’t. I believe it’s because I’m the ambitious philanthropic entrepreneurial type, and perhaps they think I won’t need to spend much time with them or I’m too busy to date. Again, to be clear, this is completely false, us entrepreneurs want to be loved too.

I preach about noticing red flags and trusting your gut, which tends to be a pretty obvious feeling. I admit though, when everything else seems to be working, it can be hard to make a clean break. But trust when I say that it’s better to run upon first noticing the signs. If not, you’re delaying the inevitable and it will only get worse. On the other hand, you could decide you want the role of caretaker and to hold their hand through all of their ups and downs, inconsistencies, and playing you hot and cold, but what fun is that really?

commitment-phobe

So what are some of the signs?

  • Totally inexperienced with dating (aka they haven’t had a long term gf in years or ever)
  • Their top priority is time with the guys
  • Their lifestyle is one of benders, drug use, and overall bachelor guy behavior
  • They say they have really high standards and no one has made the cut yet
  • They don’t have good relationship role models, and still hold those people to the highest regard
  • They keep brushing off the DTR talk, and say they need more time more than a couple of times over a few month period because they are continually “not sure”
  • They straight up tell you that they are a commitment-phobe or have those tendencies
  • They play you hot and cold on the reg, and you start to realize that you’re spending more time agonizing over them than they seem to care
  • They fear confrontation and aren’t great at open and honest communication
  • They aren’t willing to compromise or work on themselves to be the type of partner you deserve
  • They are perfectly comfortable pointing out your flaws, which much of the time are things that they knew from day one or things that you can’t change – they’ve given themselves a permanent out that they can hold over your head
  • They make attempts at breaking it off with you, and then come crawling back more than once
  • They treat you on the same level as they do their friends, no different, you aren’t special
  • They can shy away from any sign of PDA and/or can lack physical touch and affection
  • They can lack a sex drive (I know this one is weird, but I believe it’s because they fear growing a romantic bond when they’ve convinced themselves that they aren’t sure. Or maybe the sex is there, but it doesn’t feel very intimate.)
  • They clearly have some major evolving to do

Walk away.

Perhaps you’ve seen some of these signs, but there is something keeping you from walking away. Well, I get it. I’ve definitely been there more times than I’d like to admit. But, if you want to find a healthy relationship, this type of dude simply won’t cut it. I’ve seen friends and family members struggle through long term attempts at commitment with their commitment-phobe bf’s kicking and screaming along the way and acting out. The immaturity lingers, and the relationship is 10x harder. Not to say that there is no passion there, or love, but it just makes things a lot harder.

Make a conscious decision and stick to it.

The first step is to decide what it is that you want in a partner. If it is a healthy loving committed relationship, then honor that. Love yourself, and remember that self-respect is sexy. Ask lead-in questions on the first couple of dates, acknowledge to their answers, and if red flags appear that are potential points of question or just dealbreakers long term, listen. Cut it off early instead of continuing to date them and allowing yourself to get more and more attached to this type. If they are a commitment-phobe, they either won’t be getting as attached on their end, or they will show signs of self-sabotage to not allow the relationship go past a certain point – past their comfort level.

RUN, it’s a waste of your time.

All in all, these types are everywhere. I find they are even more prevalent in California and New York. I can speculate as to why, but I’ll let you decide that for yourself. Regardless, if you find yourself attracting this type, do yourself a favor and run. It’s not worth it. Not long term, and unless you’re the type that can compartmentalize easily and un-attach even easier, they will just make you miserable.

 

Kiss me already.

There have been several times that I’ve been on dates and even by the end of the second date the dude has not kissed me. What the eff is the deal? I’ve taken the time to spend at least 4-5 hours of my time with you, and you can’t just plant one? If you don’t, then I’m going to assume you aren’t into me.

I previously wrote a post about super awkward door kisses, but at least those dudes were taking a risk. In hindsight I feel a bit guilty for writing a judgey post. They tried, and that takes guts. Props dudes, props. I did however mention that they should go 90% and l should only have to go 10%. When they go 60% and are expecting me to go 40% that is a bit weird. I still think it’s weird, don’t do it.

I’ve found that these guys that don’t kiss me by the second date might do something small like an arm graze or say I have beautiful eyes when lingering a bit longer while peering into mine. That’s super sweet, I appreciate the cuteness of those moves. They are cheesy in a good way. So then, you’ve successfully captured my attention. What will you do with it?

My friend uses a tactic that I think is just about brilliant when it comes to first dates: plant one mid-way through the date. Don’t wait for the anticipation to build till you get to the door. If the date is going well, plant one mid way and see how the girl responds. I love this honestly. And to be quite frank, I don’t think anyone has ever pulled this move on me. I wish they would.

When you meet online you can get a sense about the guy. When you text, you can tell whether they are literate. When you talk on the phone you can get a sense of their vibe and if you vibe with them. When you meet in person you can see if you actually find them attractive and if it’s easy and interesting to converse with them — first step in sensing chemistry. But the kiss is an important piece too. The kiss can show you whether there is sexual chemistry present. Of course waiting till the door can make things a bit awkward, and the sexual chemistry of the kiss might not come out until date two. But, why wait? Mid-way would solve this.

The point is, if you’re into the girl kiss her on the date. Show some affection. Coming off as a scared closed off kid is just not sexy.

The Adult Hump.

Picture this:

You’re a girl and you’re laying down to go to sleep. You’re feeling calm, collected, and ready to drift into a happy dreamland. All of a sudden your boyfriend/partner/husband/friend/guy you’re hanging out with grasps you and starts rubbing their clothed genitals on your leg, back, or might even get on top of you to dry hump your crotch. Generally he will add an oh-so-soothing (or not) boob grab either above or under your shirt.

Soooo….what your body is saying is…you want to have sex with us.

But instead of making it hot, romantic, or heck, making us feel like the adored ladies that we are (or should be)…you decide to hump us like an animal.

dogs-humping

So the question is, do you think we find this sexy? Do you think this makes us want to have sex with you? Would you want to have sex with you if you were the girl? Be honest.

ugliest-dog

The funny part is that, it’s very childish. And dog-like. Where did you come up with the idea that you humping us like this is going to feel good to us? It’s weird when we’re in bed ready to go to sleep and this happens, and it’s also weird when it’s on the couch and we’re watching tv together, or reading. There’s also the times it happens to our backs when we are cooking dinner. (My other blog touched on how your penis is the best thing on the earth to you, but dude, you’re putting us in an awkward spot.)

So basically dude, feeling your erect penis under your clothes jabbing us in our back, side, crotch (over our clothes) – just because you suddenly want it – is kinda bizarre when you really think about it. #AmIRight

Obviously you find us sexy. Or maybe you just want to get off quickly. But this isn’t the way to seduce a girl. It’s just weird. And doesn’t help your case.

What about a little hair stroke, cuddle time, soft sensual kissing? xoxo

what-men-can-do-454-318

A series of memes that are rather bitchy.

So there’s this line that is cheesy as fuck to me that guys like to say to try and hint at whether or not I have a boyfriend. It happens a lot. Like a lot. Generally it happens at a networking event. I’ll start talking to a dude about whatever (most likely my biz, because I’M AT A NETWORKING EVENT) and then they drop the line “so…what does your boyfriend think of that?” They are clearly hinting about whether I have a boyfriend but want to sound super nonchalant. It’s funny because they are desperately trying to play it off as if they have absolutely no interest in me and are genuinely curious whether my boyfriend approves of the thing I’m talking about.  This is kinda sorta what it looks like:

(Me)

Screen shot 2015-07-24 at 3.32.17 PM

(Them)

Screen shot 2015-07-24 at 3.58.47 PM

(This is what they want my reaction to be)

Screen shot 2015-07-24 at 3.44.45 PM

“Well I actually don’t have a boyfriend, so that nonexistent person doesn’t mind at all! 🙂 🙂 🙂 🙂 Thank you so much for asking!! I definitely think it’s important to get approval from guys in my life, being a girlboss is so overrated. Maybe we could hang out instead??? And then you could be my new boyfriend or we could just hookup!!!!”

(Me in reality)

Screen shot 2015-07-24 at 3.22.57 PM

(I know the cat is way overplayed, but it accurately depicts my facial response. I’m told I have a chronic bitch face. Cat bitch face works too.)

Wouldn’t it be cooler if the guy just took interest in what I was talking about because they asked and if there is a connection and we exchanged cards we could go from there? Oh, and to be clear, even if I had a boyfriend, I wouldn’t need their approval to pursue my dreams. Saying that to a female entrepreneur is a rather silly line, don’t you think? I know it’s rough out there, but still. That’s why I created an app and shit.

Muah XO.

4 Reasons To Date A Spontaneous Person

This is a great article written by our Project Coordinator from our Neqtr tribe about dating a spontaneous person. It’s great to have some spontaneity in a relationship to keep it passionate & fun. XO

Neqtr

Spontaneous is (of a person) having an open, natural, and uninhabited manner or the act of spontaneity is preformed or occurring as a result of sudden inner impulse or inclination and without premeditated or external stimulus. That definition is just a bunch of words written on your screen, love isspontaneous.

tumblr_inline_nq0o9cavoe1r82h5v_500

You spontaneously fall in-love with a stranger and open up your world to them, emotionally and physically. Spontaneous acts can mean different things to every person’s relationship. Maybe some of us like having a romantic meal cooked after a long day at work. Maybe some of us like to be taken on a vacation where everything is planned and we’re just along for the adventure. Fact of the matter is, spontaneity is what allowed each relationship to form, and spontaneity is what will keep relationships alive.

Hilda Burke a integrative psychotherapist and life coach in London states most of us…

View original post 472 more words

Texting: Overkill to Roadkill.

Meeting your new person can be intriguing and awesome. The next big question is, when and how often should I text her? Well first of all, lets be clear, you should text her if you like her.

But when does texting become overkill and result in roadkill? 

It seems like common sense, but surprisingly many people forget that leaving an air of mystery is necessary in the beginning stages of a relationship. Yes, it’s annoying when people don’t text, or wait a really long time between texts to respond. (I’ll touch on that in another blog) However, over-texting is also a thing. If you want, you can wait the (3) days to text after first getting a number. And if you meet online, you can text immediately to say hi.  But then there’s the after-date texting scenario. It’s actually really nice when a dude texts after hanging out to say a little somethin’ somethin’. Or a casual “how’s your day going” the next day doesn’t hurt either. But there are a couple of things that just straight up KILL it:

  • Texting a “hi” with nothing else following once to a couple of times per day kind of leaves us like…um “hi?”
  • Texting several messages that go on and on – like pretty much texting all day (Chill the eff out. We know you’re trying to show us you’re interested, but it’s a bit much.)
    • “Hi”
    • “How are you?”
    • “What are you doing right now?”
    • “Do you like movies?”
    • “What are your goals in life?”
    • “When do you want to hang out?”
    • “Are you free tonight?”
    • “What about tomorrow?”
  • Texting completely pointless texts (Cool story bro.)
    • “Just woke up, still laying in bed.”
    • “I got up now.”
    • “Now I’m deciding what to eat.”
    • “I ended up not eating and went back to bed.”
  • Constantly joking through text, especially if it pokes fun at us (FYI, joking doesn’t go over well via text and if we don’t know you yet, we might not get it.)
  • Texting several sexual remarks OR every text being sexual (We know, you want to hookup and you’re horny.)
    • “Are you into role-playing?”
    • “Got your boys lined up for the weekend?”
    • “Plans to cause some fireworks…in bed?”
    • “I’m tired, come sleep with me.”
    • “Oh you like yoga? I’d like to see you bend over.”
    • “Oh I like cuddling too, but only if it’s naked.”
    • “Want to have an underwear party at my place?”
  • Texting various texts about how drunk you are or plan to get (so…pulling the high school girl thing?)

The worst is when you’re the over-texting culprit and the girl straight up spells out that she is really busy during the day. Yet you just can’t resist sending numerous texts. A couple of ways to know if you are sending too many texts is if you look at the chats and yours are taking up the majority of the screen. How many in a row did you send? What was her response? One sentence? Was it engaging you to respond or was it just a period? One word? Does she start out by responding, and then slowly drop off over the next couple of days? Are her responses becoming shorter and shorter? If so, put down your phone, get a life, and chill the fuck out. You’re shooting yourself in the foot. Besides coming off a bit desperate, lacking boundaries, slacking off, and a blabbermouth, you’re telling her that you don’t listen. If she told you she is busy during the day and you keep texting, she might get the impression that you don’t respect what she does or get why it’s important. Somehow you think you’re more important even though you two just met. Kind of strange don’t you think? Or did you think before sending the text vomit? Vomit isn’t hot in the toilet, nor is it hot in text form. Just stop. Please.

Honestly, it’s sweet that you’ve got a little crush and want to know all about your new person. But, you have to remember that mystery is important too. I can’t strive that enough. Endless messaging is truly annoying to a lot of people. It’s just talk, and at the end of the day it doesn’t result in much. What matters most is chemistry and that takes spending time together to see if there is a spark. If there is, great! So, then, why kill it by letting your fingers do all the talking?

If you have questions about your texting habits, please feel free to ask! xo

PS – this post is directed toward men, but it’s equally uncool and semi-desperate if you’re a chick text vomiting all over the place. Just remember: I have a life, I’m not desperate, and I can control myself. A little mystery is HOT! xx